Category: kids

Christianity · family · kids · motherhood · parenting · Uncategorized

The Works of God Displayed

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His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Guilt is a real part of being a mother.  The background noise of our hearts- my weaknesses are hurting my kids, if not physically, then most definitely spiritually and emotionally. What they will be at 18, 24, 35, and beyond has everything to do with what happened to them at 5, yesterday, that time when I lost it.  And that’s on me- their past is my making. I am their mother for goodness sake, and this casts me as the protagonist.  I am the cause and effect of their little lives, and this is terrifying.

Why?

Because I am a hot mess- that’s why.  I am a serious risk.  How can I be responsible for the way things turn out?  I am NOT good- not near enough.

This good enough nightmare wakes me up at night, haunts me at the kitchen sink, sneaks up on me at holidays, invades my space when I am snuggling a toddler, steals my memories, blurs our family photos, drowns out the giggles and stories, and feels me with fear on lazy Sunday afternoons.

Good enough- what did I do- what did I not do- what do I need to do?

Like the disciples, I need to know why, why are my children not perfectly happy, and well… perfect?  The malignant voice in my head replies, you did it to them, it’s your fault.  

This is my experience.

But not my mother, which used to make me angry, until I began to try and understand how and why my mother does not cast herself as the protagonist of my childhood. At first I judged this to be a lack of enlightenment, we millennium moms know better.  I am older now, five kids deep- 21 to 8, married for 25 years, and I would say that most days I feel like I have bitten off more than I can chew.  And who do I call in need of rescue- my mother- the one who knows how to write herself out of the script. 

Like Mary.

Moms in times past seem to have a laid back vibe that is impossible to pull of these days.  Because maybe they were not laid back. Maybe our moms weren’t these aloof, free spirit, self-centered gurus that are portrayed in throwback sitcoms.  Maybe our moms were silent doers. Always engaged without being the center of attention. My mom was not the center of my existence because she did not cast herself in that role. She let me play that part.  This is the reason I believe my mom does not experience mom-guilt.

My story is not her story.

What I do becomes what I did, and if that becomes what will be, then for me this is hopeless and terrifying.  Because I am only good enough as I reflect on what I should have done. In real time I am no saint.  In the now, I am not good enough to prevent the the horrific future I imagine will happen if I am not good enough- yet, I know I am not good enough. Yet, I try.  I fail.  I try again. And I fail and flounder in fear and guilt; whining, emotional, always scrounging for sage advice and remedies. And this is psychological terror.

But what if I have it all wrong?  What if all this roaming about in the caves of my motherhood consciousness is not necessary? Not the path? Not the way?

What if we as mothers, as scary and radical as it might be, just write ourselves out of the script?  Can this even be done without becoming inattentive and in-affectionate? A bad mom? 

Yes. And the thought of being okay with how things are, makes giving this a try worth the risk.   I think we can be free of the psychological torment of modern motherhood.  And we should… because behind the curtain of perfection, what we experience is a lack of meaning and despair.  Being a mother is not fulfilling or desirable when we live in constant fear- the fear of not being perfect and the implications we imagine our weaknesses will have on our children.

One of the most peculiar realities of growing older as a mother is that time has a way of eroding my sense of knowing.  Things fall apart, without notice, maybe over time, but eventually things just get messy in parenting.  When all my kids were little it was easier to do all the things, control all the things, be all the things, say all the things.  Now, it seems I find myself out of steam before the track ends. And who is there to make up the difference, take up the slack?

My kids! They are the real protagonists. Not me.  

I am prideful. It was pride that tormented me all those years.

But not Mary, not my Mom. Not mothers who work diligently behind the scenes; cooking, cleaning, praying, instructing, loving, pondering, and being perfect by not being obsessed with being perfect.  

My Mom says something beautiful to me ever so often, especially in times when I am struggling with the guilty mom virus, “I was not a perfect mother, but I loved you perfectly.” What a treasure she is to me. 

The works of God are displayed in the broken- even not perfect kids and not perfect mothers.  

faith · family · homemaking · kids · Lent · motherhood · Orthodoxy · parenting

Guest Post @ Illumination Learning

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A Woman’s Hidden Heart 

If you have not already signed up to receive Illumination Learning‘s posts via email…do so!  Full of practical and spiritual advice for the Orthodox mother, father, and educator. Love Jennifer’s kindness and wisdom!  Click the link above to read a post I wrote as a Lenten reflection for mothers for Illumination Learning. Thank you.

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baby · faith · family · homemaking · kids · motherhood · parenting · saints · Uncategorized

What I want my daughters to know about the 2016 US Election

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(I wrote this three days before the election.)

A certain Hillary Clinton campaign add depicts small children innocently watching the television as Donald Trump makes fun of the disabled, offering up one calloused and derogatory remark after another to the massive crowds at his rallies. The television add ends with this epitaph, “Our children are watching.”

Epitaph, you say?  Yes, in an horrifyingly ironic way Hillary’s tag line is like an inscription on the tombstone of the unborn.  Our children are watching-in memory of the children who are not watching the television, the children who are not our choice.

Dear daughters, labor to discern the times and ponder what is good and true and beautiful.

We live in a world where it is not okay to make fun of the disabled and yet it is perfectly okay to abort a disabled child.  Understand the times. Ponder how evil is always rooted in some convoluted lie-some twisting and confusion of the truth.

Mother Angelica said, “I do not vote for candidates, I vote for life.”  And this is where I stand.  All other issues flow from this one issue…life.

Hold your ground as a woman.  Do not be deceived by women who tell convoluted lies.  For woman is created to be a child-bearer, physically and/or spiritually.  And bearing children is hard and you will suffer.  As long as I am alive I will help you bear this burden.  As a woman I will try my best to support you.

And do not hate men.  Come alongside them and bear their weaknesses.  Do not be deceived by women who tell convoluted lies.  For woman is created to be a help meet, physically and/or spiritually. This is hard and you will suffer.  As long as I am alive I will help you bear this burden.  As a woman I will try my best to support you.

Hillary Clinton does not represent me as a woman, nor does any other woman who shares her ideology.  She represents all I am trying to repent of, sin that is rooted in a strong-willed desire to rule.

Stay veiled- stay hidden- stay quiet in spirit- stay repentant.
Look to the Theotokos, pray, and remember the icon of motherhood.
Do not be deceived by convoluted lies.
Remember the woman who ran for President of the United States of America in 2016- remember her in your prayers.
If she wins-keep praying.

To the woman he said, I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; in sorrow you shall bring forth children; and your desire shall be to your husband, and he shall rule over you. Genesis 3:16

faith · friendship · homeschooling · kids · motherhood · parenting

Sidetracked by Loneliness

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Homeschooling can be a lonely business.  At times we home school mothers experience isolation so acutely that we feel derailed, lost, sidetracked.  This is a weird phenomenon given the fact that we are with our children all day each and every day- well, most days.

Many factors contribute to loneliness, and each mother has a different set of circumstances and a different list of needs.  What we do share is the need for true connection and friendship.  If we perceive that this need is not being met, our days can take on a sort of depressive gloom that trips us up -the heart occupied with a nagging sadness is heavy, and this contributes to an overall sense of loneliness.

I cannot say that I have found the answer to this problem.  Maybe its not a problem that must be solved, but a reality that must be understood. It’s strange how we can have wonderful friends, and still feel lonely- disconnected.  We may have a Church family, a great mother, a spiritual father, an attentive and sweet husband- and yet, there is this disconnect.  This makes me wonder about the monastic nature of homeschooling- how spending my days away from the madding crowd is a much bigger spiritual struggle than I give credit.  Whether I understand why or how, the fact remains that I deal with loneliness.

We are very afraid of loneliness…we are especially afraid when our children experience loneliness.  It’s hard-the hardest thing I do as a homeschool mother of five, and some days I give into the schemes, the plans, the frenzy of a mind panicked.

I will it not to be so.

I am not very good at manufacturing happiness.  I’ve tried-boy, have I tried.  I’ve tried so hard that there was no space left on the calendar, no wiggle room, no chance for loneliness to sidetrack our happiness.  In the end this happiness was about as one dimensional as the wall calendar it was written on. It took mom and children to the brink…and we dangled there for awhile until finally- I came undone.

Because facing fear is about coming undone…it’s about unclinching the fist and opening up to the possibility that even if everything I fear comes upon me I am still held, I am still loved, I remain, we remain.

Deep and abiding fulfillment takes courage.

The courage to live it.

And homeschooling will stretch this courage very thin. I imagine that many of life’s circumstances stretch our courage thin.  We all fear being alone.

We praise thee, the Mediatress for the salvation of our race, O Virgin Theotokos; for in the flesh taken from thee, thy Son and our God hath deigned to endure the Passion through the Cross, and hath redeemed us from corruption, since He is the Friend of man.
~ Hymns of the Resurrection

jesus

Mediatress teach us your self giving love.  Make us worthy to receive your gifts and to know your abiding friendship. O Friend of man, make us worthy of your friendship and worthy of the friendship you give us in those precious souls here and now.  Help us endure the loneliness that comes from our own sin, and help us to know your mercy.  For Thou art good and lovest mankind.

faith · family · homeschooling · kids · motherhood · parenting · teenagers

What Teens Really Need

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Yesterday, I was told a story about two very great kids we know, a young man and woman, who were caught in the library making out. I chuckled at the story…who knows if it is even true.  Both, age 16, come form great homes and are homeschooled.  Again I just chuckle…not because I am laughing at the indiscretion or making fun in the least, it’s just funny how we homeschool moms think that homeschooling will somehow insulate our teens from the normal processes of growing up.  I was kind of laughing at myself, knowing that in some sense the way I have chosen to parent could leave me vulnerable to such gossip.  It could happen to any of us.

And what if it does?!
Will the world come to an end?
Will all our efforts have been for nothing?

These fears reflect a very deep rooted heart condition, a condition that is hard to admit and face.  To face these fears is not simple, it requires true inquiry and reflection, and a willingness to be undone.

It’s crazy that we even wrestle with these fears…the very fact that I am alive and well and striving to live a life before God is proof that indiscretions do not ruin teenagers…I had plenty, and I survived. I was a good girl, but I made out with my husband before I married him.  My teenage girls know this, we have talked about love and sexuality and attraction and marriage…I have shared my heart with them and also my experiences, letting modesty and discretion be my guide. I do not glorify sin…but I do not see sin in everything.

Teens need real.
Teens need mercy.
Teens need relationship.
Teens need lots of conversation.
Teens need fun.
Teens need trust.
Teens need firm convictions.
Teens need unconditional love.
Teens need prayer.

Parenting with fear seems to be the norm these days, and I am guilty at times.  This culture has turned structures upside down, and it is scary…very scary.  Sometimes I watch my teens and I think; this is all they know, this culture is all they know.  Reality is that we are a part of this culture, and we will either cower in fear or face it head on, and the struggle will not leave us unscathed whichever path we choose.  There will be indiscretions…every generation has had indiscretions.

Parenting teens brings me to my knees.  In prayer I know that I must resist the urge to bolt from my heart and rule with an iron fist of fear.  In His hands, and living in His presence will see us through, for Love conquers all.  Love is the opposite of fear.

Perfect love casts out fear.  1 John 4:18    
faith · family · homemaking · homeschooling · kids · learning · marriage · motherhood · parenting · teenagers

How to Not Be Empty

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Beware of the barrenness of a busy life. -Socrates

I really don’t know when I got it in my head that I desperately needed to outsource in our homeschool to be successful.  After Samuel was born I think I was determined not to let another baby hold my older children back from their goals (my goals is more like it). It was a great plan, so I thought… just let someone else teach them, hold them accountable.

What followed was a year of schooling outside the home, in co-ops and online.  How I reasoned that packing this gang of five up in a car and traveling an hour one way was an easier way to educate my upper level students is kinda foggy…but I do vaguely remember my husband warning me, counseling me, shaking his head at me.

At first we were cooking with gas…getting lots of educational stuff done, making friends, going to fun activities, and in general just enjoying the new day to day.  We were busy, and in the beginning that felt as if we were thriving.  However, after a little while I noticed that our lives were becoming less and less centered at home. My cooking became weird, our prayers too sparse, everyone was going in different directions, the littles were being cared for but not cared for, I was growing more and more discontent, and in general just feeling disconnected with myself and my family, especially my husband.

And then a few weeks ago I hit a wall, circumstances collided and my choices became clear…all that is left now is to correct course.  My mom commented, “Mandy, thank goodness you have things you can cut without hurting anyone…the activity and busyness of your life can be easily remedied.”  Her comments are those of a woman who knows what it is like to have responsibilities that cannot be remedied.

The ability to correct busyness is a blessing, almost like a gift, and I am very grateful for the freedom to choose the life I desire and need.

I see now that my outsourcing was about fear and pride…it was me believing that our home life was not enough…that I was not enough.  Ironically, it is the outsourcing that is causing a true emptiness, an exhaustion and distraction that makes me unavailable. It also refocuses our life on things that are not bad in themselves, but result in a deep and true distraction nonetheless.

So, here is my remedy for emptiness…how to not be empty…Go Home!

Women leave home for many reasons, and I only judge myself, we all have stories.   Sometimes home seems the most empty place on earth and outsourcing presents itself as a remedy, and for some this may be true.  However, for me my home is a fountain of grace, a constant outlet of energy, and a nourishing refuge.  Home is my remedy for emptiness, my journey has taught me this.

books · food · kids · learning · seasons · winter

Long Cold Winter

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“Ho, Mouse!” says Hare.
“Long time no see!”
So they pop white corn. 
And they brew black tea.
            -Bear Snores On
family · http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post · kids · play

A Good Day

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We stopped at the Fort Worth Zoo to see the lions, Samuel’s favorite.
We drove through Big D headed to Granny’s.  Frank Sinatra played on the stereo.  We met Pa Glen and Amma for dinner before the party.

Granny (Gigi, the greats call her) celebrated her 85th birthday.  So happy to be with her on this special day. 

The great grands had a blast seeing each other and catching up…what a beautiful bunch of kiddos.
boys · family · kids · learning · motherhood · parenting

Honoring the Process

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When I was a young teenage girl my mom and dad traveled to Indonesia on a missionary trip.  Of all the stories they came back with I remember one in particular.  The home where my parents stayed belonged to a middle class Indonesian family and they had three small children.  My mother was very intrigued by the way the mother of the home handled her children.  The maternal grandmother also lived in the home, and she was as much a part of the children’s daily care as the mother.

What impressed my mother the most was how well behaved the little boys were…how pleasant.  As she watched the ladies care for the children she was shocked to see that the word “no” was hardly ever used.  In fact, most of the day was spent following the children around and gently redirecting, letting the children explore, climb, and play at will.  The mother or grandmother stood by quietly, always watching and ready to catch, hold, and otherwise facilitate the child’s self direction while securing their safety.

One afternoon my mother witnessed the oldest boy eating his lunch while riding his bike in the street with his friends.  The mother was standing on the other side of the front yard fence with a bowl of rice and vegetables, and every few minutes the boy would ride up to the fence and get a bite from her then return to riding.  He ate the entire bowl while playing with his friends.

As a mother I just love that image.

Motherhood is a wondrously complicated and highly individual art. It is shaped by unfathomable impressions, memories, experiences, and nuances.  It is absolutely impossible to know what a mother is supposed to do or why she does what she does.  These things are shaped by something unseen, something that resides in the heart of the mother and is incomprehensible to others.  I told the story above to share just how this heart is developed.  Like a magnet that attracts all the metal in the junk drawer, a woman has been collecting her mother conscious all her life.  The boy on the bike eating his lunch in freedom was given to me second hand, and yet it has been a powerful metaphor for child raising in my own experience.  This is miraculous when one ponders the nature of how we humans go about caring for our young.

I think that most of the skills, knowledge, and abilities we have as mothers are gained through the organic process of living.  And if we stay connected to the vast storehouse that is the present moment we have everything we need to be a good mother.  I have heard women say, “I was never taught how to be a good mother.”  And I agree if what is meant by this statement is more truthfully, I never had an example of a good mother in my life.  However, I do not think this makes it impossible to be a good mother…what wisdom and heart can be found in the pain of a troubled childhood.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

The greatest tool I have ever used as a mom is awareness…just practicing awareness.  In each moment, if I am truly present I am always enough.  I am never perfect, but I am enough.  Within my heart I have everything I need to love and cherish and mother my children…it’s all there, everything I have collected and experienced has brought me to this moment, and I can trust my own heart.  Honoring this process and recognizing it is dynamic is the tricky part.  This gaining and collecting process is ongoing and very much alive.  It is natural to change and grow as a mother as I live longer…motherhood is not static.

Another aspect to this process is that as a community of mothers it would be wonderful if we honored the process in each other.  When a mom says she needs support she is not asking for advice or the latest parenting self-help book per se.  What she needs is for someone to get to know her well enough that she can share her heart with that person.  And it is in the sharing of the heart that women come to themselves, that they learn through communal sharing…women are very communal.  When we honor each other we intrinsically honor ourselves, and this type of friendship is authentic and life giving.

I suspect that the reason I have been struggling with my parenting lately is because I have not been honoring the process…I tend to demand a type of static perfection.  And this is lazy parenting. Awareness demands that I stay present, plugged in, and connected with my kids.  As far as I know Moses has not come down off the mountain with the 10 laws of motherhood, oh wouldn’t that be easy…or maybe not.

Maybe being a good mother is kind of like standing at the fence and feeding the child while he rides his bike…being that stable source of nourishment while the child rides like the wind.  Maybe it’s just being willing to roll with it and trust that what’s in my bowl is enough.  Maybe it is acknowledging where and how my bowl is filled.

 And maybe what makes a great friend and support is that I honor that process in you.              

                

family · kids · motherhood · parenting · teenagers

Brace Yourself

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Before…
 After.

Today Adalay got her braces off.  How exciting.  We went for cheese burgers afterwards and shopping for girly stuff…makeup, soaps, and hair products.  I love my time with Addy.  It is wonderful to parent teens….enjoying the journey today.