I really don’t know when I got it in my head that I desperately needed to outsource in our homeschool to be successful. After Samuel was born I think I was determined not to let another baby hold my older children back from their goals (my goals is more like it). It was a great plan, so I thought… just let someone else teach them, hold them accountable.
What followed was a year of schooling outside the home, in co-ops and online. How I reasoned that packing this gang of five up in a car and traveling an hour one way was an easier way to educate my upper level students is kinda foggy…but I do vaguely remember my husband warning me, counseling me, shaking his head at me.
At first we were cooking with gas…getting lots of educational stuff done, making friends, going to fun activities, and in general just enjoying the new day to day. We were busy, and in the beginning that felt as if we were thriving. However, after a little while I noticed that our lives were becoming less and less centered at home. My cooking became weird, our prayers too sparse, everyone was going in different directions, the littles were being cared for but not cared for, I was growing more and more discontent, and in general just feeling disconnected with myself and my family, especially my husband.
And then a few weeks ago I hit a wall, circumstances collided and my choices became clear…all that is left now is to correct course. My mom commented, “Mandy, thank goodness you have things you can cut without hurting anyone…the activity and busyness of your life can be easily remedied.” Her comments are those of a woman who knows what it is like to have responsibilities that cannot be remedied.
The ability to correct busyness is a blessing, almost like a gift, and I am very grateful for the freedom to choose the life I desire and need.
I see now that my outsourcing was about fear and pride…it was me believing that our home life was not enough…that I was not enough. Ironically, it is the outsourcing that is causing a true emptiness, an exhaustion and distraction that makes me unavailable. It also refocuses our life on things that are not bad in themselves, but result in a deep and true distraction nonetheless.
So, here is my remedy for emptiness…how to not be empty…Go Home!
Women leave home for many reasons, and I only judge myself, we all have stories. Sometimes home seems the most empty place on earth and outsourcing presents itself as a remedy, and for some this may be true. However, for me my home is a fountain of grace, a constant outlet of energy, and a nourishing refuge. Home is my remedy for emptiness, my journey has taught me this.