My Nature
One of our returning Humming Birds having its breakfast.
Moon flower opening at dusk.
Gladsome Light.
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The Farmer
To all those farmers praying for rain…
Who make a living, or not, depending on forces out of their control…
To my brother, who as a child the farmers would call and say, “Ask Josh to pray for rain.” And it would.
To all the animals who search for food and shelter in this hard drought…
To men and women who leave clean and come home dirty…
To my grandfather, who died tragically doing what he loved…farming.
To those who fill my tummy from the work of their hands…
To God who established seed time and harvest, and who makes all things grow, and who knows best.
Thank you.
Do Different Things
My intellect and emotional habits…sometimes even my morals shut me off from God. And the thought of giving them up produces such a scare that I only adhere insofar as it does not require, that it does not demand that I do different things. The spiritual definition of humility makes me ponder the attachments I have, the strongholds of mountainous pride…pride that can be characterized as habits, customs, rituals…maybe that is what iniquity is..the long standing traditions of sin passed down…the chromosome of bad habit.
Maybe that is what Christ meant when he said you must hate your mother and father if you are to be a follower…people of The Way. We must receive the new Way. We must adhere to the Tradition…not traditions. This Way, a new way of walking and thinking, is foreign to me, it is not my mother’s wisdom, or my father’s…it is different. And letting go of tidy systems, and principles, and convictions is scary. It requires that I change my mind, that I allow myself to be censored, to admit that I have not yet understood a thing. (That Man Is You,Louis Evely)
God asks Abraham to leave his homeland; he must journey to find the promised land. We all have a journey to make, and it requires humility to so often be changed..to practice detachment. The rut of sin is mud dried hard, that rutted road that leads home, the road that we know so well…so well we drive it in the dark or even blindly. However, I have found that the road that leads to heaven requires attentiveness and light and road signs. It is not a familiar road.
Some say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I agree. My only hope is that there is peace in store for those who are obsessed with being changed, who try different things in that eternal search for perfection, who are accused of foolishness, but really they are just people unwilling to stay the way there are, because the pursuit is all about becoming something different…becoming like God.
To those who resist change, the spiritual journey can be full of anxiety and anger. To those who are satisfied the spiritual journey can be full of unnecessary angst. But for those who hunger and thirst, who believe themselves to be poor, who would rather be a fool than remain unchanged, those are given the blessings of discipleship. That to me defines a saint..those who have been given the blessings of discipleship.
It has been my experience that God, being the author and finisher of this faith, can ask ANYTHING. And He resists me when I say, “Nothing can be done.” Because obedience is always an option. If I would only obey, things would change. I would change. I have a long way to go.
A group of my friends gathered at my house this weekend for a party. As we were setting under the twinkle lights on my patio, laughing and reminiscing, the conversation turned to me. A friend commented that it was interesting watching me over the years, how I change so often, how I believe something so strongly and then I don’t, how I have changed my mind so much. I was brought low by this opinion, somehow I believe stability validates the truth..that my perceived instability nullifies my credibility. In truth, I have no credibility. I only hope that the witness of my life has not brought scandal.
As I listened to my friends censor me, friends who have walked with me for over ten years, seen my journey, witnessed my life in flux, I kept silent…I had no defense. I am what they say…I am a person who wants to change. I want to do different things. Because truth is worth every sacrifice.
“… it is certainly required that what is subject to change be in a sense always coming to birth. In mutable nature nothing can be observed which is always the same. Being born spiritually, in the sense of constantly experiencing change, does not come about as the result of external initiative, as is the case with the birth of the body, which takes place by means outside our control. Such a birth occurs by choice. We are in some manner our own parents, giving birth to ourselves by our own free choice in accordance with whatever we wish to be? moulding ourselves to the teaching of virtue or vice.”
Saint Gregory of Nyssa The Life of Moses
Rabbit Project
Just a few pics from the 4-H Project Show. It is good family fun, and a great learning experience. We are considering a new breed for our Bunny Barn….Holland Lops. We have never raised a small breed rabbit, but we are excited to try. We are hoping that a smaller breed will be easier for Elinor and Sophia to manage. Our Satins are a large breed meat rabbit…weighing about 10 pounds.
We have also been discussing breeding our rabbits for meat. So far we have only showed our stock, but hopefully this fall we can begin to breed for food! A friend told me that there are excellent YouTube instructional videos for butchering rabbits. My dad also knows how to do this. We tried once, but I backed out. It’s hard to butcher a rabbit that has a name…different strategy next time.
When choosing a breed it is good to know what you desire from the rabbit project. Do you want a pet, a meat rabbit, a show rabbit, or you may want to become a breeder and sell your stock. Gourmet restaurants buy rabbit from reputable breeders. And small breed rabbits sell well during the Easter and Christmas season. Also it is good to research how to house your animal. We have hanging cages. Rabbits are not heat tolerant animals, and that makes keeping them alive in the summer months a difficult job. We have fans installed in the barn, and a sprinkler on the barn roof that comes on during the hottest part of the day.
Rabbit droppings are an excellent fertilizer for your garden as well. It is not hot, therefore you can just spread it on the garden without drying it or letting it sit. It is impossible to burn up your garden with rabbit droppings.
These are just a few things to consider when deciding if rabbits are right for you.
Piano, Piano, Piano
Adalay Cait
Caroline Beth
Sophia Teress
Mini Sonatina No.2, Movement I by Jane Smisor Bastien
“All the Better For Her” from Sense and Sensibility by Patrick Doyle
Winking Star by James Bastien
Brother John by James Bastien
Sarabande by George Frederick Handel
Siciliana from Sonata No.2 for flute and harpsichord by Johann Sebastian Bach
Cancer is a Scary Word
Cancer is a scary word…a word that evokes dread. It is a heavy word. It’s like in the Lord of the Rings when those who spoke of the Dark Lord used his various names with caution and trepidation. I hate even saying the word. It is a disease of uncontrolled division of abnormal cells. Sounds like our world…a world that rejects communion, love of enemy, and oneness.
A world that sees health as primarily physical...
It is scientifically official. You are what you eat…and breath…and touch.
I recently watched a short documentary about a Babushka that has lived her entire life in the Siberian wilderness. Her father took the family into seclusion when she was just a baby to escape communist persecution. She is now in her seventies, the last member her family still living. The wise woman described communism as the great science…the soul crushing science.
The modern answer to disease is soul crushing.
Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man, but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
These are my thoughts as I pray for my Mema, recently diagnosed with a malignant Melanoma. It is black and ulcerated and ugly. So many questions swirl around as we talk as a family about treatment plans and prognosis. It’s like shooting a shotgun…hoping the spread pattern hits the target. There are a thousand ways to treat cancer…like pellets in a shotgun.
My heart is with my mother…she is aiming the gun.
We say it is our environment, the water, the air, the soil. We live in an environment that creates disease. We are connected to it in a very real way, and no matter how much we try to separate from the toxins we cannot be assured completely…because we are a part of this world. In a culture that denies the unseen, I find it difficult to identify with the scientific environmentalists. Our world may be killing us, but it is our sin that makes the world toxic.
I am wondering about the soul and cancer and our world and how we are none exempt. I am praying for the men and woman who are trained physicians, that care for the sick and suffering. I am humbled.
I pray with Saint Panteleimon, a trained physician who healed in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Homily by St.Nicholas Velimirovic
“Do not be afraid of anything that you are going to suffer. Remain faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life” (Revelation 2:10).
By His suffering our Lord eased our suffering. He endured the greatest of pain and emerged as the Victor. That is why He can encourage us in our lesser sufferings. He suffered and endured in righteousness while we suffer and endure in expiating our own sins. This is why He can doubly remind us to endure to the end as He, the Sinless One, endured. Not one of us has helped nor alleviated His pains and endurance, yet He stands along side each one of us when we suffer and alleviates our pains and misfortunes. That is why He has the right to tell each one who suffers for His Name’s sake: “Do not be afraid! Do not be afraid of anything that you are going to suffer,” says Christ, for I alone have endured all suffering and am familiar with them. I was not frightened at not a single suffering. I received them upon Myself and, in the end, overcame them all. I did not overcome them by dismissing them or fleeing from them but receiving them all upon Myself voluntarily and enduring them all to the end. And so you also should accept voluntary suffering, for I see and know how much and for how long you can endure.
If your suffering should continue to death itself and if it is the cause of your death, nevertheless, do not be afraid; “I will give you the crown of life.” I will crown you with immortal life in which I reign eternally with the Father and the Life-Giving Spirit. God did not send you to earth to live comfortably, rather to prepare for eternal life. It would be a great tragedy if your Creator were unable to give you a better, longer, and brighter life than that which is on earth which reeks of decay and death and is shorter than the life of a raven.
O my brethren, let us listen to the words of the Lord and all of our sufferings will be alleviated. If the blows of the world seem as hard as stones, they will become as the foam of the sea when we obey the Lord.
O Victorious Lord, teach us more about Your long-suffering; and when we become exhausted, extend Your hand and sustain us.
Caring for a Sensitive Baby
It is 4 AM. I know my husband has to get up for work soon, but I cannot help it. As I crawl back in bed I begin to cry, and I tell him, “I cannot hold that baby anymore tonight.” He replies, “Do you want me to rock him?” The tears are coming down hard now. “It won’t do any good, but you can if you want.” In his slow and quiet way I feel Slade get up. I pick up the monitor and listen, a rustle and then the crying stops. And that is all I heard. When Slade comes back to bed he warns me, “Don’t expect to sleep long. He was tense. I am amazed he is asleep.” I have no idea what time it is as we drift off to sleep, I have no idea how our conversation drifted off as well. I do remember saying, “My skin hurts.”
This morning Slade said with a big grin on his face, “So, he slept from five until seven.” I snapped back, “That’s after being awake from three until five.” I snap back at Slade a lot these days. Oh how I want to be more patient. You would think after five kids I would know how to manage my emotions under pressure. And I am more patient than when I was at twenty-two. But I am not perfect.
Sleep is by far the hardest struggle when it comes to caring for a sensitive baby. I used to tell people that I could do anything in the day as long as I got good sleep at night. Well, I am still that girl…that woman….that mom who needs a fair amount of sleep. It would be easier if I didn’t, but I do.
Know thyself,
Accept thyself,
Better thyself.
Caring for Sam is a difficult job, I have even called him a difficult baby. If you have or have had a difficult baby-you KNOW it! If you have never experienced a difficult baby you may be offended by my label. Just know this, Sam is not a bad baby. He is what he is, and we love him the way he is. He brings more joy to our lives than he does hardship. In a very real way I am thankful I have a baby like Sam. I have had two very difficult babies out of the five, and I can honestly say the two of them have made me a better mother all around. My struggles with Sam are not really about making him act a certain way (although I do try) or be something he is not…my struggles are with stamina, and consistency, and most of all patience.
Below is a list of characteristics of my sensitive boy. Maybe you can identify. Here is the reason I need stamina, consistency, and patience…always more patience.
- The crying. Sam cries a lot. And the cry is not a whimper or normal cry, it is high pitched and LOUD! (My older girls call it the Nazgul scream.)
- The feeding. Non- nutritional sucking is very important to a sensitive baby. This can be very draining for mom, and misunderstood by those who think you are creating this situation by nursing too much. I disagree that nursing frequently makes sensitive infants worse. It is hard to satisfy a sensitive baby, but I do not think nursing frequently is to blame for highly demanding infants. Sam also had what I call the on/off syndrome. While nursing he was on, off, on, off, on, off. This makes public nursing a challenge. Bottle feeding is also frequent, and Sam does not eat much in one sitting.
- The energy. His fists are almost always clenched. He bows his back, and his muscles feel tense like he is on go most of the time. It is difficult to hold him because of this. Sometimes Sam will be jumping up and down in my lap, bowing his back into a back bend, diving for the floor, and hitting me with his fists, and I think He wants down. So, I set him on the floor or in his jumper and he screams uncontrollably. So I pick him back up, and we start the process over again. This goes on for most of his waking hours. Most of the time I just go through the up and down routine with the hope that he will set alone for a few minutes. Sometimes he does, but most often he does not. By the end of the day my skin feels like someone has rubbed me down with coarse sand paper, and my muscles are sore.
- The sleep. It seems that for sensitive babies sleep is the most difficult. Sam does not have the ability to calm himself or comfort himself. He is very sensitive to noise and light as well. When he wakes at night he can be almost inconsolable. Nap times are hit and miss, sometimes he rests well (1-2 hours) and other times he may only sleep 30 minutes at a time. Elinor, my other sensitive child, did not sleep through the night consistently until she was two years old.
- The aggression. Sam loves to growl, babble loudly, laugh loudly, scream and squeal, jump, hit, bang, scratch, pull, crawl everywhere, tear paper, dive, be tossed in the air, rock, on and on he goes. On the flip side this makes for some fun times. He also loves people, and can connect easily with others. But after holding Sam for a while you might feel as if you have just gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. It’s intense.
- The routine. My first three babies loved their routine, and thrived on it. Sam is different. He eats, poops, sleeps, and plays at different times. This is hard to manage, but a blessing as well. He is somewhat adaptable to our schedule, but he gets over stimulated easily with all the activity in and out of the house. When I first experienced a baby that I could not put on a schedule I thought it was my fault….that I was unorganized and undisciplined. I have come to realize that I am a responder mother, and the lack of scheduling with Sam is in response to him.
I saw a blurb on the internet that read Cultures Where Babies Seldom Cry. I was curious, and I clicked. And I admit I shouldn’t have…it did not help things at all. After reading the article I felt frustrated to no end. I am NOT African, or whatever other culture where the mothers do everything right. I am an American…does that make me a bad mother? They say we are too self identified, and we don’t breastfeed right, or hold our babies right, or (and this one hurts the most) we do not connect deeply with our babies. I admit that I have questioned myself in all of these areas...is this the reason Sam is so difficult? I have even asked my husband if he thinks I am causing this. In the end I know in my heart that even if it is somewhat true, that Sam is only acting out my bad mothering, well it’s all I got. I am doing my best. And each day I get up, and I love him another day. I give myself to him, all my children, my family…my whole self.Down deep I know that Sam is a healthy and happy baby, full of life and energy and zest. I have done nothing wrong. I just need to keep plugging away, and hopefully not get lost in my exhaustion. I want to be in the moment…not wishing the moments away.
As an older mother I live with this knowledge…and I tell myself…Mandy, you are going to miss this. You’re gonna want this back. You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast.
These are some good times.
Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. 1 Timothy 2:15
The Reveal to Grandpa
Wow…this is precious!
Bright Week
We made it! That’s what I keep thinking as I am cleaning out the fridge..all the leftover fasting dishes going to the scraps. (We have a septic system which means no garbage disposal.) I hope the neighborhood dogs like veggies in the scrap pile…hehe!
I emptied containers of bean salad, coleslaw, a bit of refried beans, orzo pasta with artichokes and capers, and I was doing pretty good until I came upon a container of hummus. The site of that evoked an emotional response. I am sick of hummus! And then a few minutes later I was half tempted to eat the last little bit for lunch. I guess in a way it’s hard for this to be over. So much of Lent revolves around the kitchen, and an Orthodox kitchen is truly a spiritual place. So much of the Christian faith is centered in the home.
And on that thought…
Lisa A shared a series of talks on her blog entitled The Good Wife: Five Lectures on the Christian Ideal.
The first lecture is free, and the remaining are only $10 for the complete download. Well worth the donation!
The Christian ideal of womanhood is beautiful. I have been thinking this week about brightening up my home, and then I saw this over at OCN…
BRIGHT WEEK- the week after Lent in which we continue to practice the spiritual values we gained over the last 40 days.
I thought, “What spiritual values did I gain over the last forty days?” What values must I practice to brighten our lives…our home? I can think of several.
Patience
Humility that calms anger
Kindness
Less talking
and most of all…
Consistency
I hope your Bright Week is exceptional. How are you recouping, feasting, and practicing?
Our Bright Week has been good so far.
Monday we had steaks from the grill. Tuesday we went to vespers at the hermitage and shared a meal with the small community that is forming there. (So excited about that.) Today we went to the park, and I am grilling hamburgers for dinner. Thursday I hope I can get in my garden and plant a few things. Friday Addy is going to a homeschool prom party! Caroline is spending the night with her best friend. Slade, the littles, and I are having ice cream sundaes. The weekend is full with piano recital practice and St. Thomas Sunday.
What are your plans for Bright Week? Anything special?
God is Love
“God is love.” This is, for me, the greatest theological truth.
May we struggle to forgive those who have hurt us. May we beg mercy from those we have hurt….
All that this week is, it is nothing without Love.
Enlighten my mind with the light of understanding of Thy Holy Gospel; my soul with the love of Thy Cross; my heart with the purity of Thy word; my body, with Thy passionless Passion. Keep my thought in Thy humility, and raise me up at the proper time for Thy glorification. For most glorified art Thou, together with Thine unoriginate Father, and the Most Holy Spirit, unto the ages. St. Antiochus
A Chime of Hearts 