Author: amandasexton

I am a wife, mother, writer, and reader. I also homeschool my five kiddos in a very eclectic style, 13 years deep. I am a Texas girl, Orthodox Christian, and l love to cook! I write about nurturing the heart, mind, and body.
cleaning · faith · family · parenting · pregnancy

Liturgical Life: May & June

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Well, I have not posted in quite some time.  I have been spending ALL my energy growing a baby.  I have a litany of illnesses, pains, and problems I could share, but why bother?  All is well with baby, and that is the most important thing.  My struggles, when discussed, sound like complaints and bitterness.  I am sure those two ingredients are in the cake mix, but there is also joy, and great expectations, and pleasure.  It’s all there mixed up together, and the timer is about to buzz, and out will come the yummy deliciousness of a baby.  Don’t babies just make you want to eat them up?  The hot time in the oven is worth a cake any day.

So, this Liturgical Life post is going to be a little unorthodox, in the sense that I am going to post about the liturgy of just living.  I have no great books, or prayers, or services, or projects to report.  No, we have nothing to share in the traditional sense, but I do have a story.  The liturgical story I can honestly tell is one that is hard to put into words.  When something is hard to say, it usually means it was hard to understand.  Our liturgical life from May through June has been hard to understand.  But, life is not always easy to understand, especially if I am trying to put everything in a check the box kind of list.  So, here goes, I hope I say this right:

What we are reading:
A wonderful book lies on the side table in the living room.  We are on chapter something, I cannot remember.  What we have read is enough for me to have a certain heartbreak every time I look at its cover.  The girls asked about it for a while after we stopped reading it, but now they have stopped.  It’s stories are haunting, in the sense that they are wonderful; a truly humble priest who loves God very much struggles for himself and those around him in a Communist labor camp in Communist Russia.  Why did I stop reading it?  Because I imagine I cannot.  Because I am tired.  The very thing that might cure my weariness is the hardest thing to do.  This realization is humbling, and I know who I really am…no spiritual giant, no hero, no suffering servant.  I am a sinner.  I have deep seated faults and weaknesses.  Lord Jesus have mercy on me and help me.    
 Father Arseny, 1893-1973: Priest, Prisoner, Spiritual Father

I have read the books of Hebrews, Galatians, and Ephesians, in that order.  I have been meditating on righteousness, and what it means to be a friend of God.  I have cried out to the Lord for years to help me with guilt, the kind of guilt that is unhealthy and a result of perfectionism, pride, and self-righteousness.  In this very unproductive season of my life, a time when I am forced to stop production and just rest, I am experiencing the righteousness of Christ Jesus.  I wrote a little expository piece entitled A Persistence in Innocence that I may share in the future.  But, for now I am contemplating the finishing work of Jesus and the revelation that He is.  He is the full revelation of God and Man.  He alone is perfect, and I am His.  I have not included my children in these readings, but on a heart level I believe they are experiencing Christ through the work of grace going on in my heart.         

Special Services:
 PASCHA May 5
Ascension June 13
Pentecost June 23

We have not attended any special services outside of Sunday Liturgy (we have missed some Sunday Liturgies due to my hip pain) and the above listed.  This Saturday we did go to the Hermitage for Liturgy, but my comment afterwards to my husband was this, “Is it wrong that the only reason I went to the service today is because I love Father Gregory so much, and I miss him?”  I have not been able to talk with Father Gregory, our spiritual father, very much in the last few months.  He has called several times to check on me and the family, but I have not seen him.  In a very real sense I believe that there are times in our life when people are Christ to us.  Sometimes we have a hard time with the unseen, and men and women of God help us to hold onto the faith.  I see Christ in Father Gregory, I feel safe resting in his piety and love, and I long to be with him when I feel weak.  A monk is a special gift to the church, and Father Gregory is a blessing to our family.

Special Projects:

This section is a tribute to my husband, and especially my daughters.  To be in the service of another, to bear their burdens, and to bind their wounds is the very essence of Christ.  My daughters have had to bare a large burden sense I have been unable to work, cook, or plan activities.  They have cooked, watched little ones, kept the laundry going, and cleaned while I have been down.  Their little ways make me feel very vulnerable, and I have learned a lot watching them as they obey and serve.  It has been hard at times, and attitudes and tempers flare as we are all stretched and pushed.  However, the love they have shown and what they have had to do is the true work of salvation.  Although I struggle with guilt and anger about them having to care for me, I also know that if I shelter them from this time of service I will rob them of a true grace.  This is not to say that I will always depend on them at this level, and I definitely do not want to take advantage of them or hurt them.  I look forward to things getting back to some semblance of normal.  But, this is a special time, and a very special project.  It has definitely been ugly at times, the house looks like kids have been running it, as my oldest daughter would say.  But, we are a family and we are pulling together, and that is very special.     

         

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Iris Hill

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Our good friends, Happy and Gordon, graciously opened their Iris gardens to the public this weekend, and the flowers were spectacular.  The weather here in North Texas has been very unpredictable lately, which is nothing new.  With temperatures reaching freezing just a few days prior to the viewing I was concerned that the flowers would not be bloomed.  However, mother nature came through, and the temperatures warmed.  The sun came just in time, and the flowers were crisp and delightful.  I love Spring blooms in Texas.

faith · family · parenting · pregnancy

Do We Have Another?

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Physical Economic Psychological Social Work Load
Severe morning sickness Extra eating out expense Guilt from neglect of kiddos Family will be very stressed by the news Older children will take on a lot
Weight gain and stress on bladder due to very large babies. Maternity clothes Frustration at not being able to accomplish all that I need to. Older children experience social neglect and being bored Daily chores and responsibilities become very hard to get done
Lack of sleep and severe back pain Buying new things for baby and doctor visits Fear about approaching c-section. Family very stressed at watching me at the end of pregnancy Not able to garden or work outside much.
Possible diabetic and swelling episodes…5 c-sections and scar tissue Paying for hospital and doctor Unable to be intimate and feeling very fearful and disconnected Decisions are made solely around the preg. outings, play dates, trips, etc.

I found this journal entry that I made over a year ago, and it only reflects my pregnancy experiences.  Missing from this chart are the countless additions that could be added as a child grows.  But, I guess on this day I was just thinking of pregnancy and all that comes with it.  When I look at this chart I am really blown away by the things that I worry about and struggle with when I am pregnant.  Father Sergius, in a wonderful homily, commented that whatever vocation or situation a person finds themselves in, it can be a great opportunity for holiness.  I have to admit that each of the struggles listed above have not always been met with holiness.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Like when I am severely sick and throwing up twelve times a day.  Things get ugly.  Suffering in the body has always been a very difficult struggle for me.  The chart is a record of the areas where my trust in God is challenged and stretched, but I think it is also a record of just how very human I am.    

I have always wanted more babies, but getting them here is hard on me and my family.  I have been accused of being idealistic and not truly evaluating my situation.  Those who love me test me.  I think this spreadsheet was an examination of my conscience and me trying to get real about the facts of my pregnancies.  It is not hard for me to see the positives of having a baby, but apparently I overlook some of the facts.  I would not necessarily call these concerns negatives, just struggles.

In the end, the positives outweighed the struggles.  However, for us, the concerns are important, and the process of discernment is taken seriously.  Were any of the reasons enough to keep from becoming pregnant a sixth time?  Obviously not.

Only God truly knows the motives of our hearts, and it takes courage to be honest with ourselves and with others.  To be humble and obedient no matter what we face as a married couple has been and will continue to be a hard work.  Saying, “We are done,” is a frightful statement, and one that has been impossible in the past.  As we discern and make important family decisions I pray for mercy and wisdom.  I also pray for courage and a willingness to be honest.  If the decision to stop is made, it will be out of our weakness, and it will not be something that we shout from the rooftops.  Children are such a blessing, and to not be open to another is a sad thing for us.  It is difficult to be honest about where we truly are in this decision.  It is difficult to balance obedience with common sense.  It is difficult to admit that things are not always black and white.  It is difficult to let others judge while following our conscience.  These are our true struggles.


Everybody wants to know, and it is almost the first question they ask me when I tell them the good news of our first son, “Is this your last one?”  It’s sad really, like we only had this many to have a boy.   Is it ever right to limit the number of children we have?  Searching for the answer to that question over the years has uncovered so many unanswered questions and revealed so many weaknesses.  It has also made me confront my unbelief and challenged my hypocrisy.  How then shall we live…with this knowledge….with this faith…now how do we live.  To walk out the faith is a fearful thing.

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed–not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence–continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling… 
Philippians 2:12       
faith

Good Strength for the Struggle

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As we drove into the recycling plant I could feel the buzz of the workers, the dump tucks, and the bulldozers, and I was fascinated.  I said to the girls, “Look at how much stuff we throw away.  Where do you think it all goes?”  Into the ground, into a melting pot, into a grinder, broken down to it’s smallest elements and made into something new.








As Lent marches on, I imagine heaven is like the recycling plant, working overtime in full capacity during a time of throwing away, cleaning out, digging under piles; a time when the saints of God get organized, spruced up, trimmed down, and washed clean.  What does God do with all of the trash, with all of our sin?  He throws it all into the sea, forgotten and removed.  I imagine that this sea is like the big hole that the yellow dump truck pushes sky high piles of trash into; then covers it all up with dirt.  In time all the trash is consumed by the earth and forgotten.

Other things like metal, tires, paper, and plastics are sent to be recycled.  Something that was new became old and used up, and then through a process of regeneration it is made useful again.  I hope that this time of regeneration, this process of repentance is taking the used up, worn out, and damaged parts of my life and making them useful, needful, and new.




Saturday’s family cleaning day has left my pregnant back feeling strained and tired.  The garage, shop, barn, back patio, and art room are cleaned and beautiful again, but it was a labor.  My back screamed at me in services yesterday as I prostrated before the Holy Cross, and I wondered if I would make it.  On the third Sunday of Great and Holy Lent the Veneration of the Holy Cross offers an oasis for the aching soul that has been laboriously working.  Does my soul feel as weary as my back?  I asked myself that question as I listened to the hymns of commemoration.  Do I struggle spiritually as much as I do physically?  Is my soul in need of a refreshing as much as my back is in need of a rest?  Is my spiritual house coming into some kind of order?

On April the 6th our county offered a free cleanup day.  Everything we brought to the recycling facility was accepted, even trash, and it was free.  A service like that is hard to pass up, and the line of cars and pickups, most of them hauling a trailer of junk, attested to that fact.  No dumping fees, it was entirely free, and the workers were happy to accommodate.  Everyone benefits from a cleanup day.  The county is safer, more functional, and most importantly it is more beautiful.


In the same way God offers the free gift of forgiveness, but it is a labor to repent. No fees, just work. An offer like that is hard to pass up, and I hope that my struggle is worthy of the gift. Am I becoming more beautiful? Am I taking advantage of the grace offered during Great and Holy Lent?  Christ is our example, as His whole life was a labor of love.  He is not a man without knowledge of my struggle, and as I listened to the reading in Hebrews yesterday morning my heart was pierced,

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.

Read the whole text here.

 And I remembered another scripture that has always humbled me and made me want to cling to Christ.
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.   Hebrews 12:4 
He was tempted just as we are, He resisted to the point of shedding blood, and He did not sin.  And yet what is piercing, what is beyond comprehension, is that He empathizes with my weaknesses.  He understands.  He is perfect, and He feels compassion for me, a sinner.  This process of regeneration, of repentance, and labor is a journey of love.  God’s recycling plant is fueled by love, empathy, and patience, with communion as its final destination.  My beauty has everything to do with communion with God.  And this is something to struggle for and to labor to attain.  The suffering of the soul that struggles against sin, that labors for beauty, is held by the love and understanding of a compassionate God.

When Elder Paisios was asked, “What should I think about during Lent,” he answered,
You should think of the Passion, the sacrifice of Christ. We monks must continuously live the Passion of Christ, and we are helped in this daily through the various troparia hymns – all the Services. We are given the greatest opportunity during Great Lent to struggle and participate more in the saving Passion of Christ, with repentance and prostrations, with the cutting off of the passions and the decreased food, for the love of Christ.We must utilize, as much as we can, this spiritual arena, with the many opportunities and preconditions it gives us to approach closer to the Crucified Christ, to be helped by Him and rejoice in His Holy Resurrection spiritually changed, since we would have lived Great Lent more spiritually.I pray you good strength during Great Lent, that you may climb Golgotha to be near Christ, together with the Panagia and your Patron St. John the Theologian, and that you may participate in the fearsome Passion of our Lord. Amen.
         – The words of Elder Paisios the Athonite monk



I pray us all Good Strength.  May we enter the back stretch of Lent refreshed by the Holy Cross, and continue our journey with renewed commitment in full anticipation.  The Resurrected King is Coming!        
faith

Aim of the Christian Life

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Prayer, fasting, vigils, and all other Christian practices, however good they may be in themselves, certainly do not constitute the aim of our Christian life: they are but the indispensable means of attaining that aim. For the true aim of the Christian life is the acquisition of the Holy Spirit of God. As for fasts, vigils, prayer and almsgiving, and other good works done in the name of Christ, they are only the means of acquiring the Holy Spirit of God. Note well that it is only good works done in the name of Christ that bring us the fruits of the Spirit.

~St. Seraphim of Sarov
faith · family · learning

Liturgical Life: April

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APRIL 2013
Great Lent is in full swing, and things are going pretty well around here.  This year was a challenge when it came to what we as a family were able to do as far as fasting goes.  I am half way through my fifth pregnancy, and cooking and eating are a challenge.  I get so sick when I am pregnant.  For the full story go here.  I also struggle with severe anemia and swelling due to lack of protein. So, after discussing things with our spiritual father we decided that the best thing at this time for our family was to not fast completely, except the regular Wednesday and Friday fasts.  Instead, we are going without television, eating out, and keeping our meals simple and small.  Also, we have made time around the icon corner a family priority and added a devotional that we all listen to and discuss.  In the beginning I was dreading Lent, because I felt that my condition was going to hinder my whole family.  But, God is good, and so far we have had some very meaningful moments of sincere reflection and struggle.  I love the Lenten season.

What we are reading:
First Fruits of Prayer: A Forty Day Journey Through the Canon of Saint Andrew
Raising Them Right: A Saint’s Advice On Raising Children
The Story of Saint Mary of Egypt
Children’s One Year Bible: 1 Samuel: The Life of King David

Special Prayers:
The Saint Ephraim Prayer
Teaching and learning to prostrate.

Special Services:
Presanctified Liturgy at Saint Arsenius Hermitage
Attending a talk at St. Barbara’s Orthodox Church given by Father Sergius:  The Vulnerability of the Incarnation.

Special Projects:
Cleaning the Yard from the winter.
Taking junk and trash to the recycle facility near our house.
Cleaning out excess from the house to donate to Goodwill.
Visiting Nouna Stella and Nouna Leann for an afternoon.  Nouna Stella’s health is poor these days and we hope to bring some cheer.
Organizing a Garage Sale.

cleaning · faith · family · marriage · organizing · parenting

Feminine Virtues

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Being pregnant always gets me going when it comes to matters of marriage, femininity, homemaking, and the likes.  I have recently found a charming blog that captures a kind of innocence that I wish I had.  The blogger”s posts on feminine dress, homemaking, parenting, and church life seem to be coming from some place within her that is truly genuine and beautiful.  Too many times I have read things that seem to be gadget oriented, as if something from without can create something beautiful within.  This sweet blog is different.  I tire of ideological living; if I do a,b,c it will produce e,f,g.  However, I truly love being a woman, and without becoming fake or legalistic, I have always tried to explore the makings and disciplines of beautiful womanhood.

Girly stuff has not always come natural to me.  When I was a young girl my boy cousins teased and called me Randy, because, I suspect, I could beat most of them in an arm wrestling match.  Those days were short lived, and as I grew I realized that being a tomboy was not something I would like to continue into adulthood.  So, the quest for beauty and love and romance began, and then I had four daughters.  I am amazed at how feminine they all are, especially because I have never really viewed myself as a particularly girly girl.  In fact, my husband’s friends are all jealous of him because I love me some football on Sunday afternoons, I love to work hard and get my hands dirty, and one of my favorite date nights is going out for wings and beer.  True, I think one of the reasons my husband was so attracted to me was because I am a little boyish, but in a girly kind of way.  Does that make since?  Here in Texas I think women have a knack for being boyish in a girly way.

This week I have been thinking about my relationship with my husband and the way I get on with my children, and how that relates to feminine virtues. My main purpose or job is being a wife and mother, and this Lent I have tried to examine the areas where I could improve upon my vocation.  A few things have come up: I am idle, I complain, and I struggle with boredom, all of which greatly hinder my job as a wife and mother.

For the next few weeks I have decided to be industrious, to work at being content with my situation, and to rekindle creativity.  Here are a few focus areas all inspired by that sweet little blog I mentioned before:

  • Waking early
  • Being faithful to my daily readings and prayers
  • Making sure my husband’s practical needs are met (lunch packed, work clothes ironed, cook a small breakfast before work)
  • Getting my grocery budget under some control and making frugal choices when it comes to food
  • Resuming my skin, hair, and nail care regimes
  • Cleaning out excess to prepare for a yard sale and to donate (starting with clothes bins in the shop)
  • Take walks or swim every weekday
  • Examine my wardrobe and dress with less (quality over quantity)
  • Be patient with my kiddos as I still struggle with acute nausea and fatigue
  • Rekindle a womanly atmosphere of creativity in my home with small things like scented candles, fresh picked wild flowers, etc.
  •  Reaffirm my love and affection with clean crisp sheets, soft music, warm dinners at the table, a smile, a pleasant tone in my voice, lots of hugs, and whatever creative ideas come to me.

Update:  How do I feel womanly when all womanly pursuits come to a screeching halt?  Explore the wonder of a round belly.  Enjoy a baby kicking and moving inside me.  Take in the joy of watching my body provide for another living thing.  Pregnancy is the one truly exclusive womanly expression.  Every bullet point above could be done by a man.  However, only the woman can bear a child.  

                

    faith · family · marriage

    My New Kitchen

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    I have a new kitchen!  Yes, my husband decided that we needed to update, partly in preparation of a possible move, but I think he mainly did it for me.  We have been tossing around the idea of buying a new house for some time now, we convince ourselves that we need a bigger space to live in, and that our kids need room to grow.  Somehow we can never really bring ourselves to make the decision.  Maybe after the baby comes the nest will get uncomfortable and we will want to fly the coop.  Or possibly we will nestle in, all snug and cozy, close to each other.  I have two sides to me.  One side would love a large living area and a bigger dining room and another bedroom.  However, when I look around this wonderful house I tell myself that I just have American eyes.  I say, “Remember what you saw in Honduras?  Remember what you promised yourself then?”  That’s the other side of me that wants desperately to be content.  I am content… (I am so glad we do not have cable, those improvement shows would really mess with me.)

    So here I sit in my brand new kitchen.  I say brand new, what I mean is that I have a new double oven, a new cook top, and a new microwave installed above the cook top.  It’s wonderful to get new kitchen stuff.  I even went out and bought new things to organize my drawers, I threw out many of my old and broken items, and I broke down and replenished our silverware.  I was holding on to the wedding utensils, its hard to admit that I have been married for seventeen years, that the wedding presents are fading, breaking, and disappearing.  I am sentimental like that.  But, this new kitchen has given me an idea, it has helped me overcome my morning sickness blues, and it has inspired me to hope.  Yes, I have been in a funk lately.  By the time I spend six weeks in my pajamas, fighting with food and drink, going from the bed to the potty to the bed again, I feel very weary and a little depressed.  But, my husband, well he just knows me, he knows how to draw the best out of me (and the worst at times.)

    Did I need new stuff to feel better?  Absolutely not.  However, the idea that has come to me is this, all things are new every morning.  Sometimes all I need is a new beginning to help me overcome my struggle.  I am not out of the woods yet, and I definitely am still fighting with nausea, but this new kitchen reminds me that I am new every morning, I change, circumstances change, and not always for the worse.  Even amidst suffering, hope is available, not in the fixing of things, not in the cure, but in the newness of every morning.  If I awake, I am blessed, and that is hope.  If I do not awake, I am with my creator, and that is hope.  Somehow hope is the cure to all suffering, even if I never feel better.  

    My husband is a look forward kind of guy, and he refuses to accept despair.  He always is looking for a way to move on, get to the other side, and make something work.  When I look at all the time that went into this kitchen, I know and feel his energy in this space.  He is a visionary, and he knows the benefit of not looking back.  I love that about him.  He would work away in this kitchen every evening, his power tools buzzing, and the buzz was infectious.  It drew me out of my dark room, my dark space.  He is so proud of his work, and he stands strong in his conviction that a woman’s kitchen is very important.  He is correct, and I love him for knowing that, for giving me that kind of respect.  

    I only hope that he feels this kind of respect from me.  What is important to him?  I know the things that make him feel loved, secure, and happy.  Funny enough, what I fix for dinner has a lot to do with my husband’s happiness.  These days we have been eating like we were on skid row. I have not been in this kitchen for some time, and I miss it. So, last night I decided to cook even though I felt horrible.  I made a roasted chicken, roasted potatoes, and steamed asparagus and broccoli.  I picked up a little and did a load of his work shirts.  It was a labor of love, but I wanted to surprise my husband and show him how much I love my new appliances, how much I appreciate him.  It was yummy, and everyone devoured the home cooked meal.  Later that evening as I was brushing my teeth, my husband popped his head around the corner and said, “The house feels nice.”  He has missed me running things, when I am out of commission the whole house suffers.  He enjoyed the evening because his woman was working her magic, her nurturing magic.   My mouth was full of toothpaste, so i couldn’t respond.  But, I know he knows.  I hope he knows that I love him for loving me and the job I do.  There is an unspoken bond between us, the bond of traveling together for half my life now, and almost half of his.  Words are not always necessary anymore. 

    Marriage is a double edged sword.  It slices and dices, and then it puts things all together again.  All the pieces come together as I sit in this kitchen and I feel the real gift that my husband gave me, the gift he is.  He gives me hope, he makes me smile, he makes me feel safe, and I love him for that.

    pregnancy

    13 Week Update

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    Well, since my last pregnancy post not much has changed as far as the nausea and vomiting go.  In fact, I feel worse.  I have had two staff infections on my face, an upper respiratory infection with severe cough that caused extreme pain in my esophagus (weak from bile and acid), a yeast infection, and now complications from acid reflux.    All of this while fighting off all day and night nausea.  I am not able to perform my daily tasks or get out of the house.  

    On a good note, the baby looked great at my 10 week appointment, and the heartbeat was strong.  The sonogram showed a healthy baby, and we were excited to see little arm and leg buds kicking away.  It’s what keeps me going actually, knowing that in a short time I will hold this new little person in my arms.

    I feel so weak today…but I know I can make it…one day, one moment at a time.

    family · parenting · pregnancy

    Morning Sick…Oh My!!

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    As of today I am 8 weeks pregnant with our fifth child.  At first, I believed that I was not going to be sick….and I wasn’t.  However, a little over a week ago I began feeling that old familiar feeling…that swampy, greenish, and stagnant gurgle in my tummy.  Beloved morning sickness I have not missed you one bit, but if you are the price I must pay for another beautiful baby, then I will gladly suffer you one more time.  I must say that I hate the term morning sickness.  This kind of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy can happen at any time; morning, noon, or night.  And often times it happens all day and night for sufferers of severe NVP (Nausea & Vomiting in Pregnancy).    

    I tried really hard to avoid another yucky first trimester (although with my last pregnancy the monster sickness stuck around until my sixth month).  I have tried magnesium, milk thistle, dandelion, protein every hour to two hours, naps, B6, stomach enzymes, no sugar, no fried, no simple carbs, swimming, and mind exercises.   Although I would like to try acupuncture, I am also a little reluctant.  Maybe I should.  I think after six pregnancies, (our fourth pregnancy ended in miscarriage) I have finally made peace with the fact that  I just get extremely sick when I am pregnant.  It could be worse though.  I read a horrific story about a woman who terminated her pregnancy at nine weeks because she could not take it.  Her condition…. hyperemesis gravidarum.  This type of NVP is debilitating, and I have been there.  I sympathize with this woman’s pain, and I do understand her torment.  I can only imagine her desperation, and it brings tears to my eyes.

    Walking, moving, light, touch, smells, noise, pictures of food, thinking about what I could eat, all have made me vomit in the past.  My fifth pregnancy was spent on the bathroom floor and in a dark room my husband called, “the cave.”  This pregnancy is turning out not to be so bad.  I am feeling horrible, but no compulsive vomiting or dehydration.  So far, I have been able to eat a few things and drink in small sips, and this is a huge improvement.  I will take it.  Medication has been my saving grace.  Zofran and Unisom do help me function.  They are not a cure, but they do offer some relief.

    One thing that I struggle with during this time is managing my home.  Most days I am able to get dressed and at least keep the kitchen and laundry going at a snail’s pace.  Some days I am unable to do the smallest of tasks.  I find that if I rest and remain calm, my sickness is manageable   But, I do not get many things accomplished.   I cry sometimes because I am so sick and unavailable.  Guilt can really get a foothold on me. My husband and children take good care of me.  I know this is hard on my family, and their gentleness humbles me.  Ours is a story of evolution.  With the first pregnancy, I do not think my husband was prepared for the level of stress that my NVP caused.  I can gratefully say, that with this pregnancy he is not trying to fix me, and he is not upset, he is just trying to be there for me.  And that is all a person can do who suffers alongside someone with severe pregnancy sickness.  Extreme kindness and patience is what the mommy suffering needs most of all.     

    Isolation, guilt, anger, and depression only intensify my sickness.  Some days I wonder how I will make it to the end of the day, and the dread of another morning makes falling asleep bitter sweet.  I try to stay in the moment and not project what tomorrow will bring, but sometimes it is difficult.  I know that me getting pregnant again is hard to understand for those who watch me suffer.  I just love babies and children, and I love them so much that I imagine that this is all worth it.  Is it?  Ask me when it is all over.  I have four beautiful, amazing, and delightful daughters.  When I watch my three year old bounce around this house, her own little great person, a whiff of happiness overcomes me.  My heart is full because of my family, and I guess I have just always thought that this suffering does not compare to the joy my children bring.  Each one is full of life, and the world is a beautiful place because they are here.  Life is a wonderful thing.

    Today, I remind myself that this too will pass, and in the end I will hold a beautiful new life in my arms, and all the suffering will fade in the light that this new human being will bring to our family.

    Some Ideas for surviving severe NVP:

    Do your research.
         If you can manage it, find out all you can about your condition.  NVP and hyperemesis        gravidarum are not in your head.  They are real and they deserve a serious approach.  I have found that information decreases anxiety and it helps to know that I am not alone.  Try these great resources.

    http://www.motherisk.org/women/morningSickness.jsp 

    http://knockedupknockedover.com/

    Make sure you find a cooperative doctor.
         I cannot stress this enough!!  If your current doctor or midwife is not understanding, find a new one.  This is crucial.

    Ask for help
        It is essential to stay calm and relaxed during this time.  If a dirty house and unhappy children stress you, then ask those closest to you for help.  A dear friend came to my house and cooked up a bunch of freezer meals.  My neighbor lets my kiddos come over and play to have some fun.  I find that if my kids are out being kids and not stuck in the house with a sick mommy I feel better.  Husbands have to help, there is no getting around it.  Its hard to let my husband do the job that I love to do, but I cannot do anything about it.  Grocery shopping, cleaning toilets, putting kiddos to bed, laundry, it all falls to him at this time.  Do not be ashamed that you cannot do the smallest of tasks.  It is hard, but you must let it all go and just rest.  If you really want some ice chips, but walking to the kitchen seems impossible, ask someone to bring you some.

    Lay quietly in a dark cool room.
    Light and sound can trigger nausea.  This may seem impossible if you have little ones running around as I do.  Call a friend and ask them to take the kids for the day.  Let an older sibling occupy the littles while you hibernate.  Let hubby take them out for a couple of hours.  Complete quiet really does help me settle down and rest, even if its just for an hour or two.

    Breathe deeply several times a day.
    Deep relaxing breaths while meditating on something that makes me happy, or praying helps calm my nerves and my stomach.

    Use mouthwash instead of toothpaste.
    Keeping my mouth clean and free of that metal taste really helps.

    Do not stress about prenatal vitamins.
    Clear this with your doctor or midwife first.  

    Take folic acid by itself and a prenatal vitamin without iron.
    If you are really concerned about your baby’s health taking the folic acid will at least ensure that you are doing something.  When I am this sick I can hardly imagine that my baby is getting what it needs.  My doctor reassures me that everything will be ok, but I worry.  Taking the folic acid is good for baby and for my peace of mind.  However, there have been times, like right now, where I do not take any supplements at all.

    Drink with a straw.
    This helps bypass the taste buds and cuts down on swallowing air.  I find that I can sip this way pretty much all the time, tiny sips are better than no liquid at all. 

    Try a cold protein shake.
    It is a horrible thing to be starving and repulsed by food at the same time.  Again using a straw, I drink a protein shake twice a day.  Sometimes I throw it up, but sometimes it stays down, and it makes all the difference.

    If something sounds good to eat or drink, partake.  Eat as much or drink as much of that thing as you like.
    No matter what it is!!!  Even junk food.  Don’t let anyone (not even you) make you feel bad about eating what you can, and I stress can.  If you can eat or drink it, do it. 

    When liquids are not an option try ice or popsicles.
    I put ice under my tongue, one tiny piece at a time.  This can be exhausting, but worth it.  Popsicles are not so bad coming back up, so I have always thought they were worth the risk.  Sometimes I eat two or three.  

    Avoid hot baths and showers.
    This is something that I hate.  I love a hot shower, especially when I feel nasty from all the throwing up.  However, extreme heat can throw me into a tailspin as quick as anything.  Try tepid baths and showers. 

    Ask for medication from your doctor or midwife.
    Do not be afraid of anti-emetic drugs.  I hated taking them at first, and sometimes I feel guilt about all the meds.  However, my sanity is important also, and if my doctor assures me a medication is safe, I have decided to trust.  Taking care of myself is important, but it is hard to think of that when all I want to do is take care of the baby.  

    Some may work, maybe not.  Just some things to help, but not cure.
    Do not be angry if none of these suggestions bring relief.  It is quite possible that they will not.  And expect that what works today may fail you tomorrow.  Coping with severe NVP is a frustrating task.  People who give you advice are just trying to ease your suffering, possibly not understanding the full scope and magnitude of this condition.  I have learned to keep to myself during this time and not solicit advice from those who have little knowledge of my circumstances.  This is not normal morning sickness, and crackers don’t help (but if they do keep eating them).  But, I do love and appreciate my friends and family for there concern, and I feel terrible that they too feel helpless. 

    Cry with someone, talk with someone you trust, and know that you are not alone.