faith · family · marriage · parenting · pregnancy

I can’t sleep…

Birth is a bloody ordeal….

Tonight as I lay wake unable to sleep…my mind is filled with images that I attach to certain memories of how I have given birth…not the natural way…but no less bloody…no less a gift.

Tomorrow my skin and tissue will be pierced and I will bleed and water will flow…and Samuel will be taken from me and take a breath of this air…and I will not get to hold him for very long…and the lights will go out…and the doctor will sew me up…and he will staple me with metal clamps…and bandage me…and the nurses will wash me…and I will wake and feel the wound…it’s not the natural way…but it is still a labor…and it hurts.

My mom was not left with a scar after I was born…but she bled.  Her blood poured from the place that makes her helpmeet…the place a young girl becomes a bride…that place that receives life…that just receives.  On the day I was born that place gave…it gave birth.

What does it mean for me and Samuel…to birth in such an unnatural way…from my belly…the child never passing through the door that closes all on its own after the gift is given…the belly cannot give birth…men have bellies…what do I call what I and Samuel will do tomorrow…we will do our best…which is not the best…we will do what we can…and we will finish…and we will meet each other on different terms…we will be patient with one another because being deprived of labor makes us a little like strangers…a little shy…the sterile quite of anesthetized pain has robbed us both of the trauma that cleanses…that bonds.

And when we both come to our senses…we will behold one another with sober eyes…and it will all be natural…and we will love…and he will take in the one thing that I can give…the breast…and I will feel for the first time the natural sensation of pain…and it will feel good…it will feel right.

And when the doctor comes to inspect the wound I will hurt…but not my heart…not anymore…not after five…not after five wounds…five scars…five amazing blessings…not after…not ever.

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7 thoughts on “I can’t sleep…

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